If you have ever experienced online dating and dating apps, chances are at one point or another, you’ve attempted to chuck your phone at a wall because ONLINE DATING IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST.
We tire, give up, and just altogether get too fatigued by the whole process. Whether it’s too many aimless dates or no matches at all, it’s easy to get burned out by online dating.
However, there IS a way to make online dating work, you just have to do it right.
According to dating coach Sue Mandel, “Give someone a chance. If your date is just so-so, nice, not your type, not very interesting or exciting, a little too heavy, a little too short, a little too of anything (unless it goes against your values or ethics), go on a second and even a third date.” Translation: If your date is just meh, don’t block him and head back to your app. Give the person a second date and stop trying to line up the next suitor. You never know what can blossom over time AND you won’t get burned out by all the first dates.
2. Don’t try to date (or even text) too many people at a time
“Limit the amount of people you are talking to at a time. Studies show that if a person meets nine people, one of those people is likely to be a good possible match, and a person can only know that if they get past the first date, especially since most people do not experience chemistry on a first date,” says match-maker Amy Van Doran. This goes with the first example, which is basically, a first date (and especially an internet first date) isn’t enough time to really judge a person. Keep your dating pool small and get to really know everyone before moving on.
3. Take breaks from dating
You’ve probably deleted your dating apps from time to time, but are you doing it the right way? Says Van Doran, “Taking breaks is healthy. Once I find a couple people worth getting to know better I usually think it is best to disconnect from the apps, so we actually have the space and clarity to see another person.”
This is contrary to what a lot of people are currently doing. Instead of deleting the app out of frustration, or deleting it because you’re in a serious relationship, delete it after you’ve been on just ONE date. Van Doran is suggesting that once you start talking to a few people (and keep it at just a few), turn off the app and only devote your time and patience to those select individuals. Basically, stop swiping if you’re already making date-night plans with a potential suitor. You may think, Well, what if it falls through? What if this person stops texting? What if I don’t like him/her? To you I say, this spiral will only make you more exhausted and is why you’re tired of dating in the first place?
4. Don’t think of it as dating
Van Doran says to stop thinking of dates as “dates” but just as “meeting people. “I would stop thinking of meeting people as dating and more as, ‘I love meeting people! And if this particular person is someone I find love with, great.’ But, don’t expect it. And don’t feel entitled to it. Every person that you meet can teach you something.” Chances are, if you are dating online, you were probably attracted to its efficiency, but after dozens of first dates that don’t go anywhere, is online dating really THAT efficient? Try the non-date approach and see if you’re still exhausted by the process.
Mandel coaches us to stop being obsessed with our future partner’s superficial details. “We all have our laundry list of what we wish for in love (and our potential partners have theirs, as well). The reality is that we choose one partner and we don’t “get it all.” When you think about love, and finding that person who “gets” you, has your back, adores you, wants to protect you, and makes you happy…does it really matter if he’s your height?!”
6. Stop having a “type”
If you have a “type,” you can keep swiping until you only match with partners who are exactly your type. But what if you’re dating your “type” and you’re still single? Maybe your type isn’t actually your type? “We all have a sense of who we belong with and want to spend time with. We also have unconscious impressions that our brain makes snap judgments about, both positive and negative. This can influence your choice of partners, so if you keep finding yourself with the same wrong person over and over, it’s probably time to look at your ‘type,’” says Mandel.
7. Don’t double book dates
For some people, it’s hard to even get someone to meet up for a date, but for others, they are lining up multiple Tinder dates per night. Mandel says lining up internet dates is a great way to stay busy, but a bad way to find love. “Give yourself room to breathe and reflect on the person you were with before rushing to the next coffee date.”
Happy dating and swiping!